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Jag vet att det inte är någon annan som kan göra mig frisk, att det inte finns mirakelkurer och att bården har begränsningar. Jag är väldigt, väldigt medveten om det, såpass att jag i dom allra flesta fall inte ens försöker be om hjälp just för att jag vet att min insats inte räcker till. Det är lika bra att avhandla det med en gång så slipper jag göra det sen. Jag vet. Jag förstår. Och, NEJ jag vet inte vad som kan tänkas hjälpa. Vad jag vill att vården gör är att lyssna på det jag säger och inte det dom tror att jag menar, att dom tar mig på allvar och att dom ser mig som en människa med ett värde.

Jag och vården har alltid haft en knepig relation. Jag passar inte in i deras mall riktigt. Jag är också tidvis rätt avig och jag kan vara svår att kommunicera med när jag mår dåligt och har man begränsat med tid, ork eller tålamod så kan det vara svårt att nå fram. Jag är inte särskilt förtjust i att äta mediciner och har dåliga erfarenheter av det vilket lett till månda fullständigt meningslösa argumentationer klockan två på natten mellan mig och läkare på psykakuten som aldrig träffat mig tidigare. Jag har svårt att prata när jag mår dåligt, känner mig otrygg eller det är många människor på plats vilket lätt leder till frustration från framförallt vårdens sida och samtidigt har jag problemet att när jag faktiskt pratar är jag lite för ärlig och har lite för bra sjukdomsinsikt och kunskaper om min ohälsa. Det kan låta väldigt märkligt att det kan bli ett problem men det kan det. Dels är ärlighet tydligen inte så vanligt, det är visst vanligare att folk inte säger vad dom menar och behöver tolkas för att få fram vad dom menar. När jag jag säger vad jag menar och någon försöker tolka det blir det fel. Varje gång faktiskt. Sen är det ibland en nackdel med sjukdomsinsikt och kunskap, det är nämligen så att om man förstår felet och inser att det är fel så förväntas man också kunna lösa det, veta vad som kan hjälpa och hur det ska behandlas. Jag har aldrig under min tid med ätstörning faktiskt trott på riktigt att jag varit groteskt stor, jag har varit missnöjd med hur jag ser ut men jag har alltid haft verklighetsförankring. Jag har heller aldrig någonsin haft problem med vad som är en normal portion att äta, jag har inte som dom flesta andra verkar göra suttit och tittat på dom fyra fsikpinnarna och dom två äggstora potatisarna och såsen och skrikit att det är för mycket. Snarare tvärtom. Jag förstår och kan se dom sakerna men det är inte samma sak som att jag kan behandla mig själv. Logiken och känslorna fungerar inte med varandra, jag har ett enormt glapp däremellan men det är tydligen svårt att förstå det när jag lugnt kan sitta och resonera och berätta och säga att ja, jag är sjuk.

Det ses inte som allvarligt eftersom jag kan se att det är problem. När jag säger att jag förstår att det är ett problem att leva på knäckebröd är det inte allvarligt för då har jag greppat att det är sjukt. Att jag sen inte kan förmå mig att äta annat är liksom inget problem riktigt. Det frågas inte efter, märks inte. När jag sitter och säger att ja, jag har planer på att dö, ja jag vet hur och när tolkas av vården som att jag är hjälpsökande och att det inte är akut. Vad det är är jag som inser hur det ligger till, som inte är villig att ljuga när jag blir direkt frågad. Det betyder inte att jag är förmögen eller villig att ta emot vård. Jag kan inse och säga att det finns en stor risk att jag gör mig allvarligt illa eller dör men jag är för lockad av det för att be om eller ta emot hjälp. Jag vet att jag borde vara tyst och bara dö om det nu är det jag vill men när jag blir tillfrågad svarar jag. Det blir helt enkelt missförstånd i kommunikationen för att jag inte riktigt beter mig som deras standardpatient (som om det ens fanns en sådan i verkligheten).

Lite så har det varit genom åren, det fungerar inte riktigt som det borde och det beror både på hur jag är och hur vården är. Jag har velat köra huvudet genom betongväggarna på psykakuten så många gånger när jag varit där och haft ren panik och varit desperat och förväntas veta vad jag vill att dom ska göra. Dom har förmodligen velat köra mitt huvud genom samma betongvägg alla gånger jag inte klarat av att säga ett enda ord. Det har lett till att jag helst inte söker vård när det är akut dåligt. Det fungerar helt enkelt inte riktigt och risken att det blir sämre är lite för stor. Sen finns det ren dumhet också, alla gånger jag ringt jourverksamheten och varit i bitar av ångest och uppgivenhet och fått rådet att ta en kopp te. Ja, te är gott, ja att göra något bra för sig själv kan lindra men när jag ringer har jag sedan länge passerat stadiet där en kopp te har någon som helst positiv effekt. Vilket jag också säger. Jag har också vid alla dom här tillfällena redan druckit te, faktum är att jag dricker litervis om dagarna så ja, jag har testat.

Jag har så många gånger blivit mistolkad, missförstådd och felbedömd att det är svårt att orka lita på vården, orka försöka. För ett och ett halvt år sedan gjorde jag, min läkare och min psykolog en personlighetsstörningsutredning. Jag har inte emotionell instabil personlighetsstörning, faktiskt inte en enda personlighetsstörning. Jag har ett självdestruktivt beteende, jag har asperger, adhd, ångest, depression och ätstörning som vandrar mellan uns och anorexi, that's it. Under den tid som har gått efter det har jag varje gång jag träffat en annan läkare än min vanliga fått tillbaka eips-diagnosen i min journal. Varenda gång. Senast min krisplan uppdaterades bad jag psykologen skriva samma sak under alla punkter. Patienten har inte emotionellt instabil personlighetsstörning samt hänvisning till journalanteckningen min läkare gjorde när vi utrett färdigt. Jag har inte träffat någon läkare sedan dess så jag vet inte vilken effekt det har.

Hur som helst, jag har svårt att be om hjälp (jag kan själv, har alltid kunnat själv), jag har svårt att göra mig förstådd hos vården och jag vet inte hur dom ska kunna hjälpa mig. Det plus ett gäng dåliga upplevelser gör att jag drar mig för att bege mig till psykakuten även när det är riktigt illa. Eller vända mig till vården på något vis.

I höstas hände ytterliggare en sak. Det är kanske inte en stor sak för alla men för mig och framförallt efter allt annat så blev det för mycket. Jag har svårt för möten med flera personer inblandade, det är inte okänt för vården, jag har sagt det flera gånger och dom har också fått uppleva det ett par gånger. I höstas när det mesta var rätt urspårat bestämdes det att det skulle hållas ett möte där både slutenvården och öppenvården medverkade. Jag sa att jag inte ville vara med eftersom jag vet att det är fruktansvärt jobbigt men dök upp efter påtryckningar. Jag tog två steg in i byggnaden innan benen bokstavligen vek sig under mig för ångesten blev för stark. Jag lyckades med hjälp ta mig fram till rummet vi skulle vara i men att gå in gick inte. Det svartnade framför ögonen, jag fick inte luft, jag kunde inte stå, inte tänka, inte prata. Jag sågs som... larvig? överdriven? och ombads komma in för det var så viktigt att jag var där, det handlade ju om mig. Jag blev ledd in och rasade ner på en stol och blev liggande med överkroppen över bordet. Där låg jag hela mötet och ägnade mig åt att inte svimma eller spy av ångest. Över mitt huvud pågick det såkallade mötet. Det innebar att läkaren från slutenvården som jag träffat två eller tre gånger satt och berättade hur vården numera skulle se ut för min del. Ingen tvångsvård vad som än händer, minskade insatser från alla parter, jag skulle inte längre få ringa min psykolog under veckorna utan bara träffa honom på den tiden vi hade uppsatt. Att kunna ringa har alltid varit en del av mitt stöd. Ingen skulle i praktiken göra någonting längre. Inga akuta insatser. Hon hade satt en eips-diagnos och gick stenhårt på den. Jag självskadar och intoxikerar för uppmärksamhet. Det var hennes inställning. Jag hade (eftersom jag visst att jag inte skulle kunna prata) haft ett möte med psykologen på förmiddagen för att framföra mina åsikter och vi var båda överrens om att det inte är så det ligger till. Mitt destruktiva beteende är enbart riktat mot mig själv, det har inget med andra människor att göra och mina intentioner och försök till suicid är uppriktigt menade. Psykologen har träffat mig minst en gång i veckan under flera år och känner mig, avdelningsläkaren hade träffat mig sammanlagt 40 minuter kanske innan mötet ändå var det hennes version som gällde. Missförstå rätt här. Jag är inte ute efter lpt, jag är inte ute efter polishämtningar och annat jäkla skit, jag klarar mig finfint utan förnedringen i att bli hämtat från sitt eget hem av två poliser eller maktlösheten man lever i med tvångsvård. Däremot är jag medveten om att jag ibland inte bör få vara ansvarig för att fatta beslutet om var någonstans jag ska befinna mig och vad jag ska göra. Jag vet att jag inte förmår be om hjälpen, jag vet att jag inte kan ta emot den för jag får sådan panik av psykiatriska avdelningar att jag kastar mig ut därifrån så fort jag bara kan om jag är där frivilligt. Särskilt om jag har ett driv att gå och dö. Det värsta var väl inte det faktum att hon inte ansåg att det var bra att göra något alls i princip utan att hon var benhårt bestämd om att jag hade en diagnos jag inte har, att min läkare och psykolog som också var där inte sa någonting och att dom höll ett möte där meningen var att jag skulle bidra (deras förhoppning) samtidigt som jag hade den värsta ångest jag haft på flera år utan att någon reagerade. Efteråt när jag stapplat mig till bilen och började få tillbaka förmågan att andas och vi åkt en bit sa jag rakt ut att dom kommer låta mig dö. Dom kommer att sitta och titta på när jag tar livet av mig. Dom tror att jag bråkar med dom när det är på blodigt allvar. Jag har alltid varit livrädd för vårdintyg men jag har samtidigt också på något vis sett det som det yttersta skyddsnätet om jag blir för sjuk. Dom tog bort det. Dom ber mig ta ett ansvar jag inte orkar och inte kan. Dom gav mig budskapet att om jag vill dö så får jag. Mitt liv är inte värt mer.

Efter det har jag gett upp det sista. Jag är ledsen, jag har inte orken att kämpa, jag kommer slå nästa person som säger att jag visst har det. För nej. Jag är slut. Dom som borde finnas där när allt är för trasigt vill inte hjälpa mig om jag inte är friskare. Jag har för sjutton fått ringa till slutenvården när jag varit hemma på permission och sagt att jag inte kan komma in på kvällen för risken är för stor att jag skadar mig eller försöker dö och det är "beteenden" dom inte tolererar. Jag har blivit utskriven från avdelningen för att jag under permission försökt ta livet av mig. Utan samtal med avdelningsläkaren, bara rakt av och då var hon i tjänst under tiden jag kom in på medicinakuten och under tiden en annan läkare från psykiatrin gjorde bedömningen av mig.

Efter det mötet har jag inte försökt be om hjälp när det varit katastrofartat. Jag kan inte längre.

2017-04-11 @ 21:31:14 Allmänt Permalink

Kommentarer

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Hur vården resonerar är enbart skrämmande. Jag hade önskat att fall som du och andra som vården vänder ryggen till skulle uppmärksammas i media. Dina tankar om tvångsvård förstår jag fullständigt, man slutar vara en människa och är bara ett problem när man får vårdintyg på sig. Att vården väljer bort att i alla fall försöka rädda en människa om det är det som krävs är fullständigt bisarrt. Vårdintyg ska vara den sista livlinan och att bara kapa den gör enbart att patienter känner sig ännu mer utsatta

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Postat av: Anonym

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2017-04-17 @ 16:10:57

Postat av: Anonym

... och för att sådant här händer hela tiden. Såg ut som det jag skrivit gick iväg iaf. :(
Även jag har konstaterat att jag inte passar in i vårdens mallar av liknande anledning som du beskriver dig. Jag har också slagits med en hipp som happ från det blå uppkommande eips-diagnos trots att den är bortskriver (var en exemplarisk dbt-patient i alldeles för många år och det som hjälpte mig där var mina gruppkamrater och inte själva Dbt-strategierna. (De snarare skadade mig, tvångstankar blir man inte av med genom att räkna makaroner eller ta en dusch. Inte en depression heller. att behandla ngn med as och adhd som om den istället hade eips (jag vill hävda as och eips inte är kombinerbart) är som att behandla ngn med cancer som om den hade kärlkramp- det kommer inte fungera).
Vi delar fler erfarenheter även om vi i väldigt mycket skiljer oss. Ville skriva och säga jag håller med dig i det du skriver och blir otroligt ledsen över att höra hur mötet blev. Hur kan en läkare bli så distanserad?? Har hon förlorat medkänslan totalt så hon inte ens har kvar den när en person sitter framför henne?? Även om det hade varit så att du passat in i en eips-diagnos så hade planen varit lika usel. Det där skulle inte hjälpa ngn.

2017-04-17 @ 16:29:29

Postat av: Anonym

Jag har några ggr kommenterat saker du skrivit, ibland "hållit med" och ibland ställt frågor som "vad behöver du då?" och kanske uppfattats ifrågasättande. Jag har mest velat förstå mer. Du har försökt ge svar flera ggr också.

Det här blir rätt rörigt och skulle vilja säga mer men blir nog bara rörigare.
Känner så med dig. Du är inte ensam i din upplevelse, även om du kanske liksom jag hellre såg det var personligt och att ingen annan behövde uppleva samma sak.

2017-04-17 @ 16:35:39

Postat av: Anonym

Tittar in här med jämna mellanrum och undrar hur du har det. Hoppas att psykiatrin kommit på bättre tankar sedan senast du skrev.
/C

2018-05-03 @ 22:23:30

Postat av: Anonym

Tittar in här med jämna mellanrum och undrar hur du har det. Hoppas att psykiatrin kommit på bättre tankar sedan senast du skrev.
/C

2018-05-03 @ 22:23:32

Postat av: Anonym

Tittar in här med jämna mellanrum och undrar hur du har det. Hoppas att psykiatrin kommit på bättre tankar sedan senast du skrev.
/C

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